Hello again! I know its been a little bit of time since I’ve found the energy and inspiration to write. Let me tell you the reason I think this is. So I am about a week away from finishing my Masters. Like everything turned in and I don’t have to go to class ever again. With that, I have been working on a research project for the past 4 months which includes writing a paper and a poster presentation. So as you can imagine, I’ve been writing a lot over the past few weeks. I know myself and I find it better to begin writing earlier to have time to go over everything. It gives me peace of mind to know that assignments and such are finished with time to spare in case something comes up. So I started writing my paper pretty early on so I didn’t have any reason to stress about it when I get down to the wire. But, I found a new reason to be anxious about this project in typical Kori style.
I am absolutely so sick of doing this paper. I’ve been working on this for so long that I just get angry and overwhelmed by even looking at it. I finished the main writing of it that I’m just editing it. However, I’ve gotten to a point where any time I try to make edits, I end up deleting entire sections to rewrite it. I have changed so much that it is basically an entirely different paper from when I first wrote it. I should be happy that it’s pretty much done but I can’t stop nitpicking because I’m worried that it doesn’t make sense or someone won’t like how I wrote something, or even my findings. It makes absolutely no sense but I can’t stop. I’m furious because I just want it to be done but I want it to be good. I used to enjoy writing about topics in my Masters because I actually enjoyed learning about them and explaining my thoughts. When I started, I was exciting and now, I will do everything to procrastinate finishing this. I started to think why I was doing this and I came back around to my anxiety and obsessive tendencies. I do not believe that I have OCD by any means. However, I have some obsessive tendencies when it comes to technology. I can’t have notification icons on my phone or email. I clear calculators almost immediately. I can’t leave the microwave or oven timer stuck at a certain second instead of the clock. But anyways, that’s beside the point. I started obsessing over this paper because I had been working on it so long. It really doesn’t have an effect on my every day life, but the second I see it, I try to make it perfect. I force myself to find things that need changing. I work for hours to make sure the boxes on my poster are in line with each other (which has been a nightmare since they are different sizes). I haven’t started working on my presentation pitch because I would have to stop and accept the poster as is. As much as I want this to be done, I can’t stop myself from changing it. The longer I work on this, the more anxiety I have about it being perfect when I turn it in. Logically, I know that it is never going to be perfect. I’ve done a lot of work and it’s actually pretty well done. I can say that when I’m not looking at it. But when I pull up the document, my mind starts racing with the thoughts of rejection, embarrassment and others. I am finding it to be the strangest thing.
I know I only have a little time left for this to be an issue of mine, which I am so beyond grateful for. I know that my anxiety will eventually subside for this instance, while many people don’t have that luxury. With that being said, sometimes you just need to turn something in just to stop trying to make it something it will never be. Your mind can get the better of you telling you that it’s not good when it is. Trust your instincts and know that it’s probably better than you think.