Okay this post is going to be a little bit of a free flowing of thoughts for me because I am struggling with organizing my thoughts. I am about to graduate with my Masters which means I am actively looking for jobs. Here’s the issue: I don’t really know what I want to do anymore. When I was a freshman in college, I thought I knew what everything in my life was going to look like. When senior year came around, all of that crashed down within a few weeks. So I went on to plan B. Now, 2 years I’m here and I’m at another standstill. I enjoy the work I do now and I like working with college students, but I can’t pinpoint where I want to go next. Do I stay in my current field or a different field in higher education or change completely again? What am I qualified for? Where can I even get a job? These are all questions that I ask myself probably ever hour. On top of my regular anxiety that I experience everyday, I now have this weighing on me heavily. It makes working on anything nearly impossible.
I know that no matter what I choose to do, I am not going to land my dream job right away. However, I don’t know what that dream is anymore. I have absolutely no clue. I’m looking at jobs and I start panicking before I even push the apply button. I am scared I’m going to make the wrong choice. I’m scared I’m going to be so unhappy and miserable that I’m going to be put further into my depression and anxiety. I’m scared it’s going to scar me and I’m going to resort to things I don’t want to do. I’m terrified. So I don’t do anything. I can’t make the wrong choice if I don’t choose at all. But then I don’t have a job or income. I’m stuck in a loop that I need to escape but I don’t know if I want to.
I know that I’m a smart girl. I have options and can work for a bit in some fashion while I try to figure this out. I don’t like that idea but at least I would begin to get full time experience. I mean, for the most part, every job that I may be happy working at needs full time experience which is why it’s so hard for us to get a job anyways in certain fields. Anyways, I want to do something that inspires me. I want to passionate about it. I want to feel like I’m doing something worthwhile. But, I’m so uninspired and unmotivated lately. I’m beginning to worry that I may not find something that gives me the drive that I need to be happy and fulfilled.
What do you all think? Am I just complaining like the basic millennial that people think I am? Am I wrong for wanting to do something that impacts someones life as well as my own? Am I overthinking this? What am I missing? Is something right in front of me and I don’t even know it?