I can’t decide where I want to live

As you may know, I am graduating from my Masters in a few months so YAY! However, this means that my life is going to change dramatically over the next year. My current role is based on my enrollment in a grad program, meaning that I’m gone once I finish. So, right after my graduation which will be incredibly exciting, I will be jobless. Yikes. Now, I know you are thinking “she has a masters degree it should be easy to get a job”. HA I WISH. In today’s times, a Masters holds a good amount of weight but you still need that experience to really clinch the job. There are so many different roles and departments and focuses in higher education but I have limited experience in one particular area. Meaning, I’m looking at certain jobs and roles. I like what I do and want to continue it. Now my problem isn’t necessarily that I am not qualified for jobs or scared to apply.

I have no clue where I want to live.

There are not always opportunities in my current town in my area of interest. So I have been looking elsewhere. And by elsewhere, I mean pretty much anywhere. However, I am finding that I am getting pickier about where I want to live. There are opportunities across all of the U.S. but I’m starting to feel anxious about living in a place I’ve never been. My mind is beginning to create situations that I may have to deal with. I’m not going to be happy if it’s really cold so I’m gonna cross out the states with cold weather and snow and such. Okay well, a good chunk of my options are gone. I say this because I know that I’m very susceptible to seasonal depression, meaning my depression gets worse in the winter and gloomy weather. I want to try to protect myself from that as much as I can so I’m not planning on living in the Northern half of the states. I also start thinking about if I can afford to live in places, especially in California for example. I’ve wanted to stay on the West Coast but I don’t know how plausible that is. Just starting to work full time and wanting to live by myself with my dog can be expensive.

Here’s the biggest issue. I’m absolutely terrified. Unless I stay in the state where I am now, I will be starting over. I won’t know anyone. It will all be different. Everything in my life. I struggle with meeting people even now in a place I have been for 6 years and I don’t have that many “friends” here. I would have to try to create connections with people in a new place, meaning I have to put myself out there and go out. I’m such a homebody and the idea of going out still gives me anxiety. I’m scared that leaving will cause me to isolate me more than I am here, pushing my anxiety and depression over the edge. But, I don’t know if I have a choice to stay here since I haven’t found the opportunities I am looking for. I honestly am so overwhelmed that I haven’t applied to a single job yet. I am so indecisive that I can’t bring myself to even venture the possibility. It’s like I become paralyzed by my anxiety when my future comes up and I have to make choices.

I know that I have time to think about this but I really don’t have time to think about this. I’ve been a mess over the past few months and this is probably the underlying reason to why. Living with mental illnesses is hard but having to make big life changes and choices on top of that is incredibly difficult. I still don’t know what I am going to do but I’m trying to have faith that I’ll figure it out, no matter what happens. I find that writing on this blog just helps me get out whatever is stuck in my head so thanks for listening to my thoughts out loud.

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