Hello again world. I know I said that I really wanted to keep up with this for the new year but again, I am not the greatest at goals. But this time I do have a reason. In February, I experienced a loss which I haven’t ever had experience with. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions that most of the time, I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to do. I didn’t know what I was feeling and it took me a while to understand and process these emotions. Thankfully, I was able to take time to spend with my family and just forget about everything else but that situation. Grief is one of the most complicated emotions because it’s not predictable. In a single day, I can experience all emotions that I can even imagine. When I think I’m doing much better, it can hit all of a sudden and I’m a mess again. Now, I have an added layer when dealing with this on top of my own mental health disorders which has been difficult. I’m still trying to adjust back into my normal routines and understanding what my life is like now. Some days are easier than others. I’m also going through other transitions in my life as I am finishing my Masters in May (Thank goodness!). I didn’t understand how much this situation was going to impact other aspects of my life. I still have difficulty focusing and can be distracted easily when something reminds me again. I have had to put more effort in things that used to be more simple. I used to be able to sit and write about whatever was on my mind but now I look at a page and can’t figure out the words to begin.
But, you have to move on. Life doesn’t stop. Sometimes, life is really great but life also sucks. There are only two things that are certain in life: birth and death. Everything else is just being. It’s up to me to choose what my being looks like. Sometimes you need to slow down and process what is going on in your life. But eventually you get back to what your life is. It still will affect you for who knows how long but you move forward. I’m starting to get back to understanding what I want my year to look like. This year is going to be a new chapter in my life whether I like it or not. There are changes in my life that I have limited control of. I have to come to terms with that. But there are also things that I have control over. For example, I want to read more. I used to read a ton when I was younger and I have missed that. So one of my goals this year is to read books. Every day, I want to take 30 minutes or so and just read. Stop thinking about everything else and focus on that. I’ve read 4 books so far in 2019 and I’m hoping to continue and read as many as I can. We’ll see how that goes but I’m committed to make that a part of my life from now on.
In times of loss, you realize mortal your life is. You don’t know what life is going to be in the next year, or 5 years or 10 years. But you know what your life is right now. I’m not saying that you have to make these big grand gestures to live life to the fullest because that isn’t what everyone wants. Do things that you want and what makes sense in your life right now. Start small. Life goes on no matter what you want, so make the best of it on your terms.