Nobody likes breaking up with someone. And we hate it more when someone breaks up with us. It’s not a good feeling. However, when you have a mental health disorder, ending the relationship can be so incredibly difficult. I have been living with depression and anxiety for quite a while so it has never been easy for me to be in a relationship for a number of reasons. One of my biggest problems is I have a tendency to self sabotage relationships. I know how my life has been so I convince myself that this is not going to last. No one wants to be with me so why do we keep trying. This is why almost all of my relationships were riddled in fights. There is a strong possibility that I’m pushing these arguments to prove I was right, people always will abandon me. So I know break ups are inevitable in my life. Even though I’ve been through a few, it’s still hard for me to move on. I have this irrational thought in my head that nothing in my life will work out for the best. So, most of my relationships have consisted of me telling men that there lives will be much better without me. Yeah I know, I have a lot of problems. Thankfully, most men have not just given in when I do that but I always have to be prepared for it. Most of my relationships have ended because I ended it. When I feel like I need to end something with someone, I’m doing it because it’s the best thing for both of us. That is something that is so incredibly difficult across the board to understand, but it is not an easy conclusion for me to reach. When I become comfortable with someone and ease into a routine, I hate disrupting that. My anxiety shoots through the roof. Having that conversation with myself puts me in a panic and I often get very depressed from it. Having that conversation with someone else is even worse. Most of the times, it probably looks like they are breaking up with me since I’m crying so much. I almost never want to end it but I know in every part of my soul that it needs to be done. It hurts so much. I’ve had guys who have taken it better than I thought and some who not so much. Most of the time, I don’t take it well even if I made the decision. I have to push someone out of my life in an intimate way which gives me more anxiety than I can imagine.
I have been broken up with a handful of times and it brings me into a not so good place. I appreciate when people have the tough conversation with me so I can understand why this is happening, even though I bawl through the entirety of it. However, this at least gives me a reason. However, majority of the times, the guys I have “dated” have ghosted me. If you don’t know, ghosting is when you just stop talking to them. No answering messages or calls. Basically avoiding any conversation at all. This is the worst feeling in the world, especially when you have anxiety or depression. My mind goes a million miles an hour thinking about why they left, what I did, why they won’t answer me, what is going on, WHAT DID I DO. Constantly. My heart hurts, I get a pit in my stomach. Once I move past this initial anxiety, I start to go down the rabbit hole of maybe I deserved this, I’m not worthy of love, and no one could ever love me. So both the anxiety and depression thoughts keep racing through my head for about 2 months or so. Possibly longer depending on the person. I keep this person in my mind for months after they have exited my life. They take up my mind space for that long. I exert energy on this. And for what? There is a high probability that they are not coming back into my life. And yet, I’m spending all of this time thinking about them. But here’s the thing. If this person was meant to be in my life, either as my partner or just a friend, they would still be here. I can’t dwell on the fact that they chose to leave, most of the time without bothering to tell me. I was forced out of this relationship, they decided to go. This has been one of the hardest things to recognize and accept in my life recently. I have to stop thinking in my anxiety and depression ridden ways to find the reasonable side of my mind. This is something new that I’ve accepted into my life but it still so hard to remember. I can’t help when my mental health disorders take over and cause me to think irrationally. But I push my way through because I know if I hold on to this, I will be able to move on from this relationship as well as make strides in my mental health.
If you are living with mental health disorders and are going through a tough breakup, understand that a lot of us deal with the stresses and difficulties you are. There are so many reasons why relationships don’t work so don’t always assume that it’s because of your mental illness. I know that I have so much more acceptance and learning to do before I can go through any breakup understanding that it probably wasn’t caused by me having anxiety and depression, but I’m hoping you can learn from my stories and understand that if it was meant to be, they would still be in your life. Make sure you check out my other mental health in relationships posts about topics like telling your S.O. what you deal with and fights! I will see you next time I get to write!