As I am continuing this journey of letting go of the past and starting new, I have began to take small steps to help my mind. So I did something I should have done a long time ago. I purged my closet. I have written previously about my struggle with my weight over the past few years and clothes and self confidence. I would like through my clothes and see things I haven’t been able to fit into in years and feel awful about myself. I had things from when I was in high school. Of course I’m not going to fit in them anymore! I’m 6 years older now! As I mentioned in my last post, I need to start letting go of my past and trying to go back to a place in my life where I can’t. I can’t keep all of these things that I am probably not going to wear again, even though I always have hope that I will be that small again. It is holding back my journey of self acceptance and health. I’m reaching for this goal of being as small as I was freshman year of high school and it is highly unlikely that I will reach it. So, it had to go. I went through every item in my closet, looking at the style and size to see if there is any chance of me wearing it again. I ended up getting rid of a lot of clothes, more than I thought. Now, I am hoping to begin working out again for my own health, physical and mental so there could be a possibility of fitting into some of those old clothes. But I can’t hold on to them because if I don’t, I will feel like I have failed. I have to understand that this purge is going to help me start over on a clean slate. Someone else will enjoy these clothes, as I am selling some and donating quite a bit. It helps to know that someone who needs these items will take joy of having them like I did.
Another interesting thing that I found going through all of my clothes was reminiscing about past memories and times. I would pull up a shirt and remember the time in high school where I got it. Sometimes, they were happy memories. I, unfortunately, can not fit into a lot of formal dresses that I wore in college, including when I was on the Homecoming Court at ASU. The events I went to in those dresses were some of the greatest times I had in college. It was filled with laughter and friends and dancing. But sometimes, they aren’t the happiest memories. Times of depression and panic. Lost friendships and failed relationships. I believe that it is good to look back and understand your past. It can definitely teach you a lot. However, I haven’t been looking back at them. I’ve been dragging them behind me. Letting go of these clothes is a good step to move on, even though it seems small. It is a start to a new beginning. One where I can be comfortable as me and look forward to my future.
It is insane how much I had been holding on to all of these years. My closet seems so empty but I have everything that I need at the moment. It’s time to start fresh and I can’t wait for what comes next as I release my past and rise to the present and future.