Its not easy to let go Elsa

Letting go. People make it sound so incredibly simple but it may be one of the hardest things to do. Just let it go and all will be right in the world. But when you have depression and anxiety and any other mental health disorder, it is probably the toughest thing to do. Well, at least in my case, I have the most difficult time letting go of pretty much everything. This past year has been very interesting for me and I’ve held on to a lot that I should have probably let go. I held on to people who were not being positive influences in my life no matter how much I wanted them to. I kept trying pretend that I haven’t gained a lot of weight and I can still squeeze myself in those pants that literally hurt me. I pretend that I can just get away with eating whatever I feel like it. I pretend that I’m living the best life I can be, because I am not. I have been on this journey to make an active change in my life so I am healthier and happier. So I have to let go of a lot.

I think one of  the reasons I have such a hard time letting go is because I want to believe things will just change. People will change, work will get easier, and I will just magically lose weight. Well I know that last one wouldn’t. But it doesn’t. I can not change how people interact with me. This past year, I have tried so hard to get the people in my life to stay. I so desperately wanted to be liked by so many people. I tried so hard to keep these people in my life. But here’s the truth. I can’t change people. But I can change. I have to put myself first and realize I can’t bend over backwards for people who don’t want to be there for me. It is incredibly difficult but I need to let them go and hope that people will come into my life who are good for me and want to be here. This is has been by far the most difficult part of my transition because it means I’m going to be alone for a bit, which absolutely terrifies me. I know that when I without human interaction for a while, I go to a bad place, and I’m more likely to try to get those people back in my life. So I have to keep very alert that I don’t let these people back into my life.

I have to let go of this incessant need to know what is next. Ever since I decided to change career paths and life paths, I have been absolutely terrified of what is going to come next. I know that I have a year to figure things out but I still don’t know exactly where I will be next year and what I’ll be doing. It’s a scary thing but I can’t keep worrying about it. I worried myself to a breaking point last time I faced this when I graduated from my undergrad. I can’t keep bringing this into my life. I know that the future is scary but I can’t stop it. I have to believe that everything will work out in the end, even if I don’t know what that will be or when. I need to let go and just live. All of this stress has been stopping me from living and just enjoying what I am right now.

If I truly want to make a change in my life to be happier, I have to let go of everything that is keeping me in the past. I can’t expect anyone to change but myself. And if someone is keeping me down, it’s time for me to let them go instead of trying to bring them up with me. I have to let go of most of my worries about my future and what comes next. I spent my entire life knowing what came next and then, it didn’t come. Now, I know life is unpredictable no matter how much you plan and prepare. You think you know how your life is going to be but you will never really know. I can’t let that hold me back anymore. It’s time for me to let go.

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