I believe that all my friends hate me. Yeah, I know what I said. It sounds ridiculous but honestly, I feel like it is true. A running joke that I have with almost anyone I know is that I don’t have friends other than my dog. Most people laugh but honestly, that’s what I think most days. This all stems from my depression.
I have been struggling with depression for almost as long as I can remember. It has been a huge cloud over my life and it affects so many different parts of my life. In high school, I was very much defined by my depression. I never wanted to do anything other than sit at home and watch TV. Sometimes, its because I didn’t want to be around people in general or that I just didn’t feel like I fit in. Most of the time, I felt like people didn’t want me around. I wasn’t always interested in things that my friends were and it made me feel like an outcast. I hit the same roadblock in college. I just felt like I’m not a fun person to be around. Honestly, a lot of this revolved around alcohol. I’m still not a huge drinker but I almost never drank when I was younger. It just wasn’t my thing for a number of reasons. Unfortunately, it tended to isolate me to a point where I felt I lost everyone. I remember a distinct moment while I was in bed with my boyfriend at the time and I broke down thinking I lost all of my friends and they hated me now. I just feel that I am not a relatable person. It’s really hard. I started getting better and spent a lot more time with friends after that. It was also easy because I was living on campus and everyone was always right there.
I now live in my own apartment that is pretty damn far from any of the friends I had in the past few years. This makes everything extremely hard for my depression. I am alone almost all of the time that I am not at work. If I didn’t have my dog, I don’t think I would still be sane. I’m so far from people and don’t have a consistent mode of transportation so seeing people is really hard. My friends have all moved on as I’m so far. It’s not that I lost my friends and deep down I know that. But, in the moment, it feels like it. No one really talks to me on a daily and it is so rare that someone wants to hang out with me. I often ask people to hang out and it usually never happens. I always feel defeated. I break down because no one wants to spend time with me. On my hard days, I really just want to forget about it and go and do something fun with friends. But, I have to go home and cry on the ground because no one wants to be there for me. It sucks so much and I’ve come to think that it’s just the way my life is. I’m not someone who is meant to have friends or go out.
It’s not that my friends hate me. Life is different as an adult. I’m in this transitional period where I’m getting older but I’m still young. I constantly see people out and doing things. I see my friends hanging out with each other. It’s hard. But I have to know that people are busy, and people change. I have grown so much in the past year and it will take time for me to develop new relationships and learn how to sustain them. It’s a journey that I’ve been on since I made my first friend and it is far from over. I have faith that as I become more comfortable with myself, people will become more comfortable with me too. If any of my friends are reading this, I know you don’t hate me. But I have no friends. lol.